Post-Memory Retrieval Religious and Existential Crisis Mini/Story Playlist

After the restoration of his memories, James Buchanan Barnes found himself lost and torn between the man that he used to be and the weapon he was turned into. Bucky Barnes is a distant memory, and the Winter Soldier’s action are tearing the man apart.

Cast No Shadow- OasisBound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say and as faced the sun he cast no shadow. As they took his soul they stole his pride.

Since he learned about all that he had done as the Winter Soldier, James found it increasingly hard to come to terms with the new man he was trying to become. It seemed impossible that such awful deeds could just be forgiven with the excuse “I wasn’t in control”. There was only one person that could ease that pain.

Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Or, Natasha Romanov, the Americanized version of the woman he’d once known. The woman who had reminded him that he could be more than just a weapon. She was the only person who could convince this new man that the Winter Soldier’s actions weren’t his responsibility.

He didn’t necessarily believe her, of course. But he tried. He sought out peace anywhere he could. Trying to make up for the Soldier’s awful deeds. So he went where any man in a deep existential crisis might turn: religion. For Steve, it was easy to cling to the faith that most people had in the 40s when he woke up in the future. For James, it wasn’t that simple.

Blue Lips- Regina Spektor; He stumbled into faith and thought, “God, this is all there is.”

He tried, tried so hard to believe in this religion. In a god who could make him feel better, return his faith in humanity. After all that he had done, it seemed impossible that any god could forgive him for those actions. But he wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that he could be forgiven for all that had happened.

Still, he struggled to find solace in this sham of a belief system that so many people were calling religion, love, life. He tried desperately to believe that there was a god who could forgive him, that just by praying and following certain rules he might one day be redeemed. But the hole in his chest seemed to whisper in his ear, reminding him that he could never really be a good man.

But he still tried. He tried desperately to be the man that he knew he could be. He wanted to be that man, the man who could be good for all those around them. And especially for Natalia. Ever since he’d met her again after all that had happened, she’d been the only light in his life. The only thing that woke him up in the morning.

Without Natalia, he might have put a bullet in his brain long ago just to quiet the ghosts. She was the light in his life. The more he thought about religion, the more he realized that he didn’t really need it in his life. Not so long as he had Natalia there by his side.

Take Me To Church- Hozier; My lover’s got humour, she’s the giggle at a funeral. Knows everybody’s disapproval; I should’ve worshiped her sooner. If the Heavens ever did speak she’s the last true mouthpiece. Every Sunday’s getting more bleak, a fresh poison each week. “We were born sick,” you heard them say it. My church offers no absolution; she tells me, “Worship in the bedroom”. The only heaven I’ll be sent to is when I’m alone with you. I was born sick, but I love it, Command me to be well. Amen, Amen, Amen. Take me to church, I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death; good God, let me give you my life.

The more that James thought about it, the more he came to realize that he didn’t need religion. Natalia was his religion. He worshiped her and she worshiped him. Their love burrowed in one another and made two stronger, better humans for it.

//I know that I owe a ton of you replies

my life is kind of insane right now with work and trying to also get ready for vacation and college starting back up

so I’m sorry if I’ve owed you for a while. because there are several of you in that boat

unpopular opinion time!

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If i loved Natasha Romanoff any more, I’d be Bucky Barnes 


I hit five hundred like two weeks ago, but if you know me at least a little, you know I’m lazy as fuck and that’s why I’m making this now. (which is also why zero replies have been done in the past two days)

But anyway, like seriously thank you so much guys, I’ve had this blog for four months now and I honestly thought I wouldn’t get this many followers. On an old blog of mine, it took like seven months to get to seven hundred! Follower count isn’t all that important to me. It’s the friends you make and the amazing people you get to interact with that make this RPing thing worth it.

But first, I have to do a shout-out!


This woman right here is seriously my favorite person ever. And a total babe. But I love your Nat so much. There is never a dull moment when RPing with you. I’m so glad we’ve become better friends and that I found you again and I’m fairly certain this fits that moment best. ilu boo! ♡♡♡

p.s. thanks for sharing Ellen Page with me when you’re famous

Bold = bae 
Italics = ilu and we should be friends


agentclntbrtnagentnromanova | agentxthirteenx | agrandthing | allxson | alwayshonestx | americanengineer | cameoutofabottlecaptainamericarogers | captainspangly | captaxnamerica | couldbetricky |cxptxinrogers | damnedkxng | dancingagent | deceitfultrickery | dontscratchthewallsearlymourningprayers | ferreum | frozenstxrgobliophobic | hacktxvistharlemlullaby | hopewovenhowlingbarnesididthereading | ilaughedicriedipukedinmymouth | incurringdebt | indianbravexingxnious | intxlligentivehadenoughrest | justanorphan 


magnxto | malfoah | mercenarydealer | midtownsbestmotherofasgardmxskedhero | nineliveshardy | notacircusmonkeynotonlyashieldowesmeadance | paidthepriceprincesssparklefists | prxncecharmingprxvidor | queenxreginariseabxveromanoffx | rrokovoyrxgeandserenityscarredbyxhellfirescienceandstardust | spxthra | standwithpryde | streakedwhitethatswhatmakesitanarmytheweaselette | thewintersamsontitaniumallxy | totallynotapilot | trainedassassinussromanoff | wasrunning | widowstxngwidowxbiteswingedxassassin | wingheadcapwinterxassassin | wxdowxchernayavdova | xtalarium | xlapeur | xmanwithaplanxmarksthescott | xnsidiatori | xsalvarexvdova 

I’m sure I missed some people, but I am so grateful for each and every one of my followers! You all are so amazing and ilu a lot! 




Avengers Spapchats (1/?)
imxthexhandler sent:

[THERE ARE A THOUSAND OTHER RP BLOGS FOR THE CANON CHARACTER I PLAY. SO WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT MINE?] Because the mun is amazing, okay? And I knew they'd do a good job at playing Bucky (which, surprise surprise, they do!). This person is one of the main reasons I now ship WinterWidow.



You’re not the first person that I’ve made sail that ship. I’m now the unofficial captain of this boat! Jawohl! <3 I don’t know why I love this muse so much now, but I haven’t done anything in two weeks, since seeing CA: TWS.

Haha. Well, the reason I do now ship ‘em is because of you, nochildrenintheredroom, and zimniy. Personally, I’ve been a fan of Buck’s since CA: TFA and honestly was a bigger fan of Bucky than Steve. It took my best friend Drew and CA: TWS to get me to love Steve, lol.


omg come to me bb *pets*


{ stay warm; }

for all your winterwidow crying needs

01. sleep ; kimya dawson / 02. samson ; regina spektor / 03. bang bang ; 2cellos ft. sky ferreira / 04. running ; no doubt / 05. she’s my ride home ; blue october / 06. once upon a dream ; lana del rey / 07. somewhere only we know ; lily allen / 08. fear and loathing ; marina and the diamonds / 09. human ; daughter / 10. i wanna be yours ; arctic monkeys / 11. this is gospel ; panic! at the disco / 12. out of mind ; tove lo


Need Someone to Numb the Pain


Jamie was going to like this Natasha. She definitely agreed with her statement about how slow the pace was going to be. Even if this was a beginner class, it was for people who were already athletically fit. 

"Hello Natasha." She grinned back at the beautiful redhead. "Well, I’m going to have office hours and you’re more than welcome to work ahead and come see me if you had any questions over any of it." 

Jamie was a pretty fast-paced person as well and figured she was going to get along with Natasha. She was probably going to get along with all her students, but especially her. “My e-mail is on the syllabus as well.”


A smirk spread over her lips as she looked the TA up and down. She knew that it was useless, but she couldn’t help but…appreciate how fit her instructor was. She was sure that this would be a difficult one to just ignore and move on.

"Glad to hear it," Nat smiled, biting at her lower lip. "I’m sure you’ll be hearing from me soon." And it was true. Without a doubt, and even though it was against her better judgement, Nat would be getting outside tutoring from Jamie. 

With a softer smile, Nat tilted her head to look at the woman before her. “It suits you, you know,” she murmured, still biting at her bottom lip. “Jamie. It suits you. Some people’s names don’t.”