Post-Memory Retrieval Religious and Existential Crisis Mini/Story Playlist
After the restoration of his memories, James Buchanan Barnes found himself lost and torn between the man that he used to be and the weapon he was turned into. Bucky Barnes is a distant memory, and the Winter Soldier’s action are tearing the man apart.
Cast No Shadow- Oasis; Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say and as faced the sun he cast no shadow. As they took his soul they stole his pride.
Since he learned about all that he had done as the Winter Soldier, James found it increasingly hard to come to terms with the new man he was trying to become. It seemed impossible that such awful deeds could just be forgiven with the excuse “I wasn’t in control”. There was only one person that could ease that pain.
Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Or, Natasha Romanov, the Americanized version of the woman he’d once known. The woman who had reminded him that he could be more than just a weapon. She was the only person who could convince this new man that the Winter Soldier’s actions weren’t his responsibility.
He didn’t necessarily believe her, of course. But he tried. He sought out peace anywhere he could. Trying to make up for the Soldier’s awful deeds. So he went where any man in a deep existential crisis might turn: religion. For Steve, it was easy to cling to the faith that most people had in the 40s when he woke up in the future. For James, it wasn’t that simple.
Blue Lips- Regina Spektor; He stumbled into faith and thought, “God, this is all there is.”
He tried, tried so hard to believe in this religion. In a god who could make him feel better, return his faith in humanity. After all that he had done, it seemed impossible that any god could forgive him for those actions. But he wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that he could be forgiven for all that had happened.
Still, he struggled to find solace in this sham of a belief system that so many people were calling religion, love, life. He tried desperately to believe that there was a god who could forgive him, that just by praying and following certain rules he might one day be redeemed. But the hole in his chest seemed to whisper in his ear, reminding him that he could never really be a good man.
But he still tried. He tried desperately to be the man that he knew he could be. He wanted to be that man, the man who could be good for all those around them. And especially for Natalia. Ever since he’d met her again after all that had happened, she’d been the only light in his life. The only thing that woke him up in the morning.
Without Natalia, he might have put a bullet in his brain long ago just to quiet the ghosts. She was the light in his life. The more he thought about religion, the more he realized that he didn’t really need it in his life. Not so long as he had Natalia there by his side.
Take Me To Church- Hozier; My lover’s got humour, she’s the giggle at a funeral. Knows everybody’s disapproval; I should’ve worshiped her sooner. If the Heavens ever did speak she’s the last true mouthpiece. Every Sunday’s getting more bleak, a fresh poison each week. “We were born sick,” you heard them say it. My church offers no absolution; she tells me, “Worship in the bedroom”. The only heaven I’ll be sent to is when I’m alone with you. I was born sick, but I love it, Command me to be well. Amen, Amen, Amen. Take me to church, I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death; good God, let me give you my life.
The more that James thought about it, the more he came to realize that he didn’t need religion. Natalia was his religion. He worshiped her and she worshiped him. Their love burrowed in one another and made two stronger, better humans for it.